Help wanted

I'm a worrywort. I can fret with the best of them. In fact, I'm so good at it, I've been thinking of going professional. But my latest issue of Vogue magazine (keep your snarky comments to yourself, it's a guilty pleasure. So what if its pages will never see the likes of Christopher Hitchens. Unless he's in Gaultier. And then, well, so much the better.) Anyway, next to a smug photo of Kate Hudson (She's rich! She's famous! She's married! How does she do it all???) was the bold headline, "Are we worrying ourselves sick?" And I thought to myself, well maybe this Vogue magazine will turn out to be just what I needed. And of course what I need as a general rule is a new pair of shoes, a circumstance in which it's reliably helpful. But in this case, perhaps it will also help by giving the old psyche a tune-up, and ease the worry lines from my forehead and I'll be all zen.

As it turns out, the article wasn't about your average worrier, such as myself, but the truly clincal. I mean the ones who should spend a few days somewhere calming, with attendants in white and maybe some muscle relaxants. So it wasn't very helpful, after all, unless I decide, somewhere between here and the time my subscription runs out, that what I really need to do is meticulously wipe down the handle of my grocery carts or only eat green food on Wednesdays. Should that time come, I doubt I'll really be in the market for a new pair of shoes anyway.

So what I've decided is that I need an assistant. In the spirit of sharing the burden, you see. A part-time worrier, really, to take on some of the more mundane things on my list of things to worry about, like did I say the wrong thing, or why isn't the baby sleeping well, or how come our windows still leak, or did I choose the wrong color, wrong size, wrong shape. Introductory stuff, really. And then I can focus on worrying about the things that are really worth my time. So if you know anyone out there who might be looking for a position, send them my way. I'm accepting applications through the end of the month. References requested.